Out of Goodbyes Read online

  This is part 2 of Rainey’s story, the continuation of When We Were Young.

  It is essential you read book 1 first before getting the final part.

  Out of Goodbyes © 2018 by Gen Ryan

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any written, electronic, recorded, or photocopied format without the express permission from the author or publisher as allowed under the terms and conditions with which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution, circulation or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

  Out of Goodbyes is a work of fiction. All names, characters, events and places found therein are either from the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any similarity to persons alive or dead, actual events, locations, or organizations is entirely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  For information, contact the publisher, Hot Tree Publishing.

  www.hottreepublishing.com

  Editing: Hot Tree Editing

  Cover Designer: Claire Smith

  ISBN-13: 978-1-925655-28-5

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Epilogue

  More from Gen

  About the Author

  About the Publisher

  Chapter One

  Rainey

  True love.

  Something many people thought about. I knew some people who would say they never have, and that their life didn’t revolve around finding a soul mate. I called bullshit.

  Maybe they didn’t sit and look at every man and woman that crossed their path and think “this is the one.” That the person who walked into the coffee shop, or stared at them a bit longer as they stood in the supermarket line, was the one they would spend the rest of their life with. But deep down, everyone strove for a connection. A person who would never give up on them even when they wanted to give up on themselves. A connection so strong that even when they were hundreds of thousands of miles away, love really knew no distance. Love conquered all.

  When I first laid eyes on Parker, I knew it was true love. I couldn’t get him out of my head all summer. His broken soul stole my heart with a look and a smile. I held him in my arms, and that day I found my soul mate seemed so long ago. So foreign. So forgetful.

  Truth was, I was out of goodbyes. I was out of strength. Once, I would have waited while this man who was my everything walked out the door. I’d have held on to every second with bated breath, waiting for a call, a letter, an e-mail. Not anymore. I had fallen out of love with my soul mate.

  How did that happen? It was years of heartache and giving my all to a marriage into which he never once put the same amount of effort. The crumbs he threw me now and then were enough to keep me sustained, but now I was starving for love, attention, and companionship. What he was currently offering seemed wonderful, something that maybe a year ago I’d have jumped on. But all I heard were promises that would be broken. Parker was my soul mate that once was.

  Releasing him from the hug, I stepped back and looked down at the man who had once been my everything, who was now nothing but a ghost of the man I once loved.

  “Parker, I can’t do this. I can’t just turn my back on all the feelings. God, you broke me. Slowly tore my heart to shreds for all those years.” These words were true, but they didn’t begin to explain how I felt; the misery that overcame me when he told me he had found someone else. I crawled inside myself after I heard those words, and had been fighting so hard to claw my way out. I guess I was naïve to think that years of marriage counted for something. I deserved respect, honesty, and fidelity.

  I forgave Parker when he left me this last time, resolving to myself that although he had done wrong, I didn’t want that animosity between us. So his infidelity, while hard for me, was bringing me parts of myself back and helped me realize what shambles my marriage had been in. Parker was my first love. That spot would always be his. But my forever love? That spot was still open.

  Parker stood up, his long, muscular body calling to me like it always did. I hated that I still found him attractive. I wished he looked like a toad or had developed a growth on his face or something while he was gone. It would make seeing him that much easier. But no such luck. He still had a distinguished jawline, a high and tight haircut that showed off his expressive eyes, and muscles that I remembered my fingers tracing, transfixed by the gentle smoothness of his skin. When he took my hands in his, I shuddered. His touch was familiar, yet it didn’t make me smile like it once did. I was so confused I could barely see straight. He was comfort, home, and young love. He was everything people waited their entire lives for. And I didn’t want it anymore.

  “I’m so sorry for all I’ve put you through all these years. I’m a broken man. After Jon and Cooper died, I haven’t been able to get out of my own way.” Parker shook his head, as if trying to rid himself of their memory.

  The familiar lump in my throat formed at the mention of Parker’s best friends and fellow soldiers who lost their lives. They were friends to us both, and their deaths had hit us hard.

  “The belief that I never deserved you rang in my head all these years, especially when Jon and Cooper left behind families and I was left to just survive. I self-sabotaged. When you signed the divorce papers, it became clear I didn’t deserve you, but my God, did I want you.”

  I brushed my hair out of my face, my anger rising. Of course, he wanted me. But sometimes what you wanted and what you needed were entirely different. I knew that now. I wanted a marriage filled with love and devotion. What I got was falling at sixteen and growing apart. Although it hurt, it was what I needed to grow and become the woman I was today. I wasn’t perfect. I was a work in progress. But for the first time ever, I didn’t hate the progress I saw.

  “So, you left without saying that? You had a family, Parker. You had me. We may have not had kids like Jon and Cooper, but what we had was good in the beginning before their deaths.” Parker hung his head.

  “I’ve tried so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that our marriage is over. I was so depressed.” I bit my lip. Was? Was I still depressed? Did I still feel like at any moment I could crumble and continue to struggle to find the drive to even get up? It wasn’t as poignant as it once was, but it was still there. Like a fungus, sometimes lying dormant, other times taking everything in its path down.

  “I am depressed. It’s a part of me, like my skin. My hair.” I smoothed down my hair that I knew was frazzled. “You leaving me for someone else when I loved you so much ruined me, regardless of the reason why. And now when I think I can finally be happy and move on, you spring this on me? It’s too little, too late.” My skin tingled, and my mind throbbed with his words. He didn’t deserve me even if he wanted me. He was broken, and I couldn’t put him back together.

  I let out a small laugh. Damn, I was losing my mind.

  “I get that you’re angry. I didn’t file the divorce papers. We need to give this a chance, at least see if this is repairable.”

  “What about Samantha?” Her name stung my mouth, and I wanted to vomit. The other woman. The one who stole my husband away. Who am I kidding? H
e was never truly mine. He was a broken soul, and that meant he could never give me what I needed. I’d been too blind to see it. I tried so hard to make it work and hold on when he was begging me to let him go.

  “She was just there. Was an escape from the shit that constantly plagues my mind.” He shrugged like it was nothing.

  “This isn’t finding money on the ground, Parker. That was cheating. You were with another woman,” I yelled, my anger increasing by the second. It was good to tell him how I felt. To let it seep out of me. Usually, I’d keep it bottled up. That wasn’t healthy. I knew that now.

  Parker grunted and moved into the living room and started pacing. Shit was about to get real. He never did that unless he was about to go off. I closed my eyes and braced myself.

  “What about the guy that was leaving when I was coming? He looked mighty happy. I know that look anywhere. He got lucky, didn’t he?” He stopped pacing, his fists clenched at his sides.

  I stormed toward him and poked my finger in his chest. “No. We aren’t doing this. Levi has nothing to do with this. For all I knew, we were divorced. He’s a good guy who has been there for me when I was falling apart.”

  Parker looked up at me, taking my finger in his hand and holding it a bit too tight. I felt the feeling leaving my finger, but I didn’t dare move. His eyes had turned dark, and for the first time ever, I was afraid.

  “I guess you made up your mind then? It’s him over me, the man you fell in love with at just sixteen years old.” He snickered and slapped my hand away.

  “Parker. Don’t do this. Please. You’re better than this.” Watching him come undone was wrecking me, but I had to stay strong. I knew now that our divorce was the best thing for us in the long run.

  “I’m nothing, Rainey. That’s the thing I’ve realized. I’ve never been anything. You showed me kindness, love, and hope. You showed me a life that I only dreamed of, and I threw it all away. It’s okay. I’m just becoming what I knew I was all along. Hopeless.”

  “Please. Stop.” My heart couldn’t take anymore. I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt guilty. I could just say it was okay and take him back. Pretend that the years of me chasing after a dream of what my marriage should be had never happened. Sweep Samantha under the rug. I couldn’t, though. Not this time. For myself, I had to let him go.

  “I’ll never stop where you’re concerned. I should have fought for you all along, but I’m going to show you how serious I am about this. I’ll prove to you that I can be the man you need.” Parker leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I’ll stay somewhere else. To give you space.”

  All I could do was nod. Parker was going to fight for me, something I once so badly wanted. Now, all I wanted was for him to let me go.

  I watched him walk out the door. The smell of Irish Spring lingered in the air. Then it came, the familiar feeling. Bile rose in my throat. Sweat permeated my skin. My heart, which had been just twitching in my chest at Parker’s words, thumped loudly. Stumbling to the couch, I fell onto it and closed my eyes. The tears didn’t fall. I had none left. Instead, I took a pillow, put it over my face, and screamed.

  When was I going to be able to live for me?

  Chapter Two

  Levi

  I had waited what seemed like forever to kiss Rainey. I never was a patient man, but something about her made the things that drove my ex-wife, Mandy, crazy seem insignificant. From the moment I laid eyes on Rainey, something in me shifted. It was like everything I’d waited for was in this beautiful woman. I loved her curls, the way they always seemed unruly. Her big brown eyes seemed to hold the key to everything there was to know about her. She wasn’t perfect. As I got older, I realized no one was, even Mandy, the woman I’d thought I would spend the rest of my life with, but Rainey’s imperfections drew me to her even more. She was depressed, struggling with her marriage, yet she cared so much about Parker and his sister. He’d wronged her, but she couldn’t just let him go. She was fiercely loyal. Compassionate. The type of woman I’d always craved. The woman I wanted to be my forever.

  I’d never forgiven Mandy for what she did to me and our marriage. I was still bitter from finding out that she had fallen in love with my best friend, Jay, the man who stood next to me on my wedding day and told me how lucky I was. Guess my luck became his. He now lived in my house, with my once wife, and they were expecting their first kid. Life could be a cruel bitch, and I fell into a deep depression that took me to all sorts of dark places. Endless nights of drinking. Struggling to get to work, a job I once loved becoming a burden to my extracurricular activities.

  Until Rainey. Her anguish spoke to me on a level that brought me an odd sense of comfort. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to fix her. I wanted to be with her, give her a reason to smile and to forget about the depression that ate away at her. Because I knew firsthand what that was like, and it was torture. Being lost in your own mind was lonely, dark, and unforgiving. It was impossible to claw your way out without leaving more gashes and scars than you started with. But in the end, it was worth it. Because now I could see clearly, and my future had a head full of curls and a heart that was too big for her fucking chest.

  I stood outside her door, our kiss still lingering on my lips. I pulled out my phone to type out a sweet message, to let Rainey know tonight had been everything I had imagined. Then I saw him: Parker.

  He jumped out of a car, a woman in the driver seat offering him a kiss on the cheek. He was big. Much bigger than me, in not just height but in build. I wasn’t intimidated, because I knew I was a better person. Sure, I had my flaws, but I was no cheater. I was loyal, and I loved with all I had—which was probably why Mandy’s infidelity had been so hard for me. Two of those closest to me screwed me over; the people I trusted the most and never thought were capable of doing any wrong.

  I only knew what Parker looked like because there were still a few pictures scattered around Rainey’s house. At first, it felt weird being in a home that still had pictures of her ex, but it wasn’t easy to let go. I knew that firsthand. Rainey and Parker had been together a lot longer than Mandy and me. Their history was deeper, embedded in youth that made people carefree and love fiercely. Time was what Rainey needed to heal. And time was what I would give her, while reminding her how she should have been treated all along.

  I strode quickly down the walkway, hoping to avoid having to speak to Parker. I didn’t know why he was home and what he was doing here, but I didn’t want to be a dick—because I damn well could be. Especially since I knew all he put her through.

  “Hey man, who are you?” He stopped in the middle of the walkway, making it impassible for me. Anger danced in his eyes, burning into me with all the hate I knew coursed through him. Rainey had shared with me that she thought Parker might have PTSD, and anger was a clear sign—as were a lot of the other things he had put her through. My years in the military made the signs easy to pick out.

  PTSD was unforgiving. It had crept up on many of my brothers-in-arms. Some lost a lot. Some lost everything. But Parker had had Rainey, and she was willing to give up everything to make him happy and make sure he got help. He pissed away the chance at pure happiness because of his own pride and blindness to what he was going through.

  I should have felt sorry for him, and part of me did, but Rainey was now so close to being mine I could taste it. Her soft lips on mine. How she felt in my arms as we danced, carefree and happy.

  “I was just visiting with Rainey.” I shoved my hands in my pockets, secretly praying that he didn’t dig further.

  “Oh yeah? Well, I’m her husband, and I’m back, so you can stop sniffing around here.”

  My back went rigid as his nostrils flared.

  Okay. So, this was how we were going to play it? I talked myself down from kicking him in the stomach, but I couldn’t stay silent, not after watching Rainey struggle like she did.

  “The husband who cheated on her and left her alone to fight off depression? The husband who didn’t fucking realize
what he had in front of him all these years? Or the husband who never bothered to call or write her when all she wanted was to hear from you?”

  His lips pursed and his jaw ticked; I knew I had hit it right on the head.

  “You don’t know her. We’ve been together since we were sixteen years old,” Parker said proudly, as if that would make up for him being a certifiable asshole.

  “What’s her favorite pizza?” I asked.

  He opened his mouth and shut it, clearly not knowing the answer.

  “Did you know that she doesn’t like swimming in the ocean?” I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Yeah, because she burns in the sun.” He puffed out his chest proudly.

  “Wrong. Her favorite pizza is cheese. She hates pepperoni, and she hates the ocean because there are things in it. Things she can’t see. I don’t care if you’ve known each other since infancy. Time means nothing when you don’t listen and get to know someone. I may not have known Rainey as long as you have, but I know how she feels against me after crumpling in the shower due to her depression. Her cold body shaking, her lips turning blue.”

  He lunged at me, and I put up my hands in defense. I didn’t want to fight Parker. I had no intention of being that guy. I was better than that. Where in the past I would have drunk myself into a stupor and plowed his face in, I wanted to be better. I knew I could be better.

  “Fuck you. She’s my wife, and I want her back.”

  “Look, I’m not here to have a pissing contest. But Rainey is hurting and just starting to get parts of herself back. If you love her, you’ll let her live and fight what she’s going through and not do this. Don’t ask her to take you back. It will break her.”

  Parker grabbed my shirt and brought his face close to mine. “You back off. We have history. A life we built together. What do you have? A few stolen moments while I was gone fighting for your freedom? So what, you held her once, maybe twice? I’ve been here for a decade.”